there is a numbness in my heart and its growing
About a year ago I came to this city. I was feeling a little lonely because I haven’t made any friends yet and I remember sitting alone in that room. No phone, no internet and no friends. Back then I only had a few photographs and memories of someone to keep me warm.
Now that I think of it, those memories are static. Everything is just as it were, the street we grew up in and the evening before I left for the airport. In fact, I was so certain that she was my soulmate. You know the guy that puts the girl at the center of everything ? I used to be that guy. Not until I freaked myself out and bailed on her.
I always wanted to work abroad and I wished she could have come with me. Unfortunately, that was never a choice for her. We were still together for 2 years even though we were seeing other people. But that changed when I left the country. Eventually she moved on, and I realised it too.
Today, I was doing the dishes and cleaning up after a long day at work. I felt a little of last year’s loneliness, except this time it’s not as bad. Things have changed so much for me , and sometimes I feel like I’ve grown colder. My youthful idealism and childish fears have given way to a safe middle ground. Perhaps the most important thing is, that I’m not scared of growing up anymore.
Except for the fact that she might be getting engaged. I don’t really believe it’s happening or that she’s serious about it. You know what I said when she told me? I told her I’d ride into the church with a white horse and kick open the doors. Okay, maybe I’m in denial, but how am I supposed to accept that?
I still don’t know how to feel about it.
Hey Jason
Hang in there! Growing up sucks, part of the deal includes accepting the fact that your ex might one day marry someone you hate with a passion! At least in this case, she could be in good hands?? There is no easy way to accept this fact!
Maybe this could help…knock it down and do 100 push ups from the ground, blast the music and start cleaning the bathroom, scrub the toilet bowl over and over again, drink so much bubble tea that you start chucking out black little tapioca balls and if you’re still not recovering, maybe try eating up a whole box of Krispy Kreme all by yourself or perhaps shop till you drop! Overtime of excessive practice, you will eventually get over it! You WILL…as for now allow yourself to hurt a tad bit…
omg michelle.. hahaha now we all know what you do when you’re depressed! i have to say, very female-like though! jason is a bro, let’s play some PS and go jamming
PS and go jamming. Sounds good !
Yeah, I wouldn’t really wanna go drink bubble tea that much .. .lol!
Poor Jason, I feel for you.
I agree with Michelle. You just have to allow things to suck and give yourself time to accept the heartache because for many people it never goes away completely.
You just learn to carry it inside you and live with it.
And maybe you should travel more. You already know how going away lets you take a step back from your life so that you can get a little more of an objective perspective about yourself.
It’s as good as therapy, man.
Maybe you could focus on the fact that losing a little of your youthful idealism makes you less vulnerable, emotionally.
Yeah, hang in there!
WTH?!?!??! You mean for some people the feeling sticks on forever?!?!??! Oh shitssssss! Jason, you better get over it…sucks having to live with it forever man!
Hmmm… me too. I feel you in this department. I hate! Bubble tea? lol, that’s new. Should try that suggestion. Haha..hang in there all ye heartbreakee’s. We will survive!!!
*bottoms up bubble tea*
*choke!*
-_______-
mcb…
*Bottoms up bubble tea* =)
Not too long ago I used to think that maybe I become that cold-hearted person. After spending so much time thinking, week after week and months, everything suddenly came together as a piece, and thats it - I’m not a cold-hearted, I’m a better person now. Its just that I’m a little out of my comfort zone so I went on a mini paranoia phase. I think, I don’t know, I don’t really give a thought about situation, but I think you’re in a phase of trying to put together what have you become. on the other side, I’m just jealous you’ve got it at an age which at that age I feel, I still feel this, that I was a complete loser. I was waaay behind you in terms of emotional quality or whatever they call it. You’ll be okay my man, my instinct tells it.
It’s tempting to go all Dr Phil on your ass, but I remembered that love and logic, they don’t mix. And that I hate Dr Phil.
So what the hell. Hit the strip joints and have a grrrreat time!
Stop doing the dishes and cleaning up la !
FOCUS on now ! like what just happened …..
*hugs*
i agree that some voids left by those u cant-help-caring-so-much-about never heals. at least not completely. i think whats scarier is subconsciously carrying that feelin around, and not daring to feel the same way about anyone else… and becuz of that, it somehow convinces you that no one else can possibly be more perfect for you. (when there probably is.)
i’ll let u know when i find a cure for this problem. till then, like everyone said, hang in there buddy.
“i’ll let you know when i find a cure for this problem”
I like what you said, man.
Jason, look at everyone who cares about you bro! You got me too ya know, let’s go get our tattoo when you get back.
Like what you told me, “Take it eaaaasy” and “Don’t touch my blouse”. Let’s jam.
ps: Hug, hug…keess,keess…little keess…little hug… keess, keess…little keess…
ooooooooops u got me.. =P hope you dont mind me ‘quoting’ ya in me bloggo but i agree wut.. BUBBLE TEA CHEERS!!! haha
lol, it’s actually quite cool that you ‘quoted’ me …
yes agreed, never easy growing up and that includes letting go of someone who were part of you before, never and never, but I guess everyone has to go through that phase, and it just sucks and sometimes, it’s so depressive that you wish it didn’t happen, but it did, it was suffering but the after-life after that phase is such a relief.
It seems like you are running a pattern that gives you the numbness in your heart. Something you lost now which you had in the past, then comes this nostaligc feeling when you start looking back at it. And when you come to realisation that she is going to be engaged, somewhere at the back of your head gives you this sense…whether you realised it or not are this question… “have i failed?” “what have i done wrong?” “she is happy and engaged, but without me” or something along that line.
Logically you know this is not true, of course. Otherwise you wont be able to function and you would be in suicidal mode. Your logic thinking cannot find this source, you only know that you are feeling sad or slightly depressed this way.
Deep inside, perhaps you wished YOU were the one she was engaged to and that her source of happiness lies in you, not others. Because much deeper inside it gives you this sense of self. After all, she was once a strong anchor to you and very much part of your emotional triggers. Keeping photos of her around (if you do) may not help you in this process.
Or maybe because there wasn’t any official closure since you said that she eventually moved on after 2 years being “together” but still seeing others, until you finally realised its really done for, she has moved on. Closure can also be important. It can be a signal for yourself to help you move on. Just like when a person has finished serve his sentence in prison and comes back to reality, breathing the air outside again and the feel of a new beginning comes over him - that everything has to start again, despite past “failures”. Well, its just a metaphor, not to say you are in prison, but the message is - maybe finding your own closure will help?
Perhaps the secret lies in your willingness to let go - to give up control or the need to, or to accept your inability to control certain things. The fact that it does not have to be YOU as her bf or engaged to and that you have your own journey, not necessarily better or worse than hers, but just specially yours in your own ways.
Another secret perhaps is being aware of our human nature - the need for permanence. Permanence is merely an illusion. We, each one of us, all of us, owe a death. We all will die someday. This is a fact. Nothing lasts forever. Remember about Buddha saying that whatever that is born will decay? And that it is up to us to liberate ourselves?
That very moment you thought she could be your soulmate was one of the most meaningful feeling you can feel, BUT only for that very moment as it was meant to be. It is meant to be appreciated that way. Not meant to hope that it would last forever. Thats the key difference in setting yourself up for either (1) disappointing yourself or (2) feeling grateful for what you had.
You also know that you are coping and finding your way through this. Your ego is healthy, not destructive. Going back to your “cave” to find yourself doesnt mean its a bad thing. You just need your own time for yourself. You will eventually do well.
Or maybe if you shift your focus on something else like all your friends has suggested you would prevent this pattern from running. Maybe it helps too?
Hope something helps
P.S. why did you delete the whole previous thread? I thought it was a decent post.. I wonder how is your friend doing now..
That’s really loooooong but inspiring. Well it did inspire me. thanks
yea, closure it important. otherwise, u’re broken for anyone else.
*so harsh yea?* i actually got that off p.s. i love you… 
oh wow, your comment is longer than my blog entry ! lol
is that all you can say after the fella susah payah type!
actually , you’re right. I was going to reply later , so here’s my reply:
Actually, there was closure last year. Although it still bugs me that she’s engaged. I guess I’m still seeking my own journey as you call it.
Oh ,and how do you know I read about buddha ? I still remember those 2 exact quotes !
By the way, I am doing fine
and my friend is doing fine as well, I took down the post cause it was kinda upsetting him, but he’s learnt some of his mistakes now.
Thanks for the insight, I’ve probably felt some of what you mentioned, but just not put down in words.
For some reasons I end up keeping up with your blog. The only blog that i ever did. Thats how i remembered the quotes. I also respect Buddha very much and look up to his teachings from time to time. If you really into it, try Krishna Murti (im not sure the exact spelling) but he will blow your mind, make you go mad or just confuse you (if you cant keep up with his level) - really deep stuff or more simple than anyone might think. I got his books and its difficult to disgest sometimes. Anyways, i better stop rambling about it.
I didnt know it got this close to what is mentioned but thats good to know although words are very hard to put in exact - especially when only YOU know how you are feeling right now - we can only guess or make certain intuitions.
Jamez i thank you from the bottom of my heart. I felt good for your kind words.
Numbness in your heart? It’s a young man learning manly woes. Or it’s gas.
ok, you win the wittiest comment so far
I like some of what Mr. Anonymous said (put a name down :)); usually a burden can be made lighter if you can identify it and know what it does to you.
Btw, power cut to the router earlier so I ended up reading the beginning of the ethics book. Looks like our entire discussion is already in it haha.
gah~ ok i’ll help u get inspired by something…. ready?? here goes…
*want to feel inspired? get ready to be inspired…. be inspired….*
there u go, u’re inspired :p
Yea…moving on is hard…although you have to do it i guess….
i mean, you could find the easy way and go out with someone to forget your ex…oh wait…you did that…
OR you could open your heart and talk to world about how it hurts thinking about one of your ex’s before even mentioning your last ex…oops…you did that too mate…
MAYBE after letting the flood gates loose, you could then discretely call your last ex just to check up on her…oh no wait…you did that too…
Think you need to pick on one girl to whine about and to bother…focus, my good man…thats what you need…
on day 2 in Brisbane you called me! no friends? i showed you fun! and a burned pocket